—Is where space ends called death or
infinity?
Pablo Neruda, The Book of Questions
BY JULIE CHEN
Every person’s
childhood seems to be marked with a peculiar fear. Whether it be snakes, or
subways. Or the scary third grade math teacher who had crooked teeth. Mine was a
fear of emptiness. Sometimes I would stand in the garden and cover my eyes, and
imagine the endless, void universe. Expanding in perpetuity. No air, no
emotion. Just miles and miles of darkness and I would be forever drifting,
drifting and when I died, I imagined I would be lying in my coffin, but my mind
would remain vigilant. And I would be forced to wander forevermore in the
infinite vacuity of death. And there would be no stars because death does not
permit any twinkling. The thought made my heart drop and I would picture my body
collapsing until it was folded into a piffling speck of dust in an interminable
vacuum of nil. The tears would fall. And I would run run run away from where
the emptiness was, run into my mother’s arms where I could relish a comforting,
tangible hug or run into the market where the throbbing presence of people
assured me I was not a solitary asteroid — although the unfathomable
concept of infinity would come back to haunt me whenever I shut my eyes. There
was a period in time where sleep would seem terrifying. I could not lay my
finger on the exact moment in time where I would transcend into a state of
oblivion. For all I knew it was a secret I would be forbidden to comprehend.
And was not death the same thing, I thought. One would gently slide away, and
his being would be buried under the earth, where it would disintegrate and
eventually become part of a flower, or a bee, or a sliver of wind. But his
identity would be forever lost in the Galactic anticenter of time.
